My heart weighed a ton, dragging me down. Small issues were packaged and ignored. With our busy lives intersecting only on special occasions, it was easy to leave the issues wrapped up with a pretty ribbon.
I had lost trust in her. The well was empty, the account was overdrawn. The relationship account was now bankrupt!
When a wound cannot be cleansed with antiseptic, a free-flow of blood is the body’s response to remove debris. The poison of my hurting heart poured out of me. I cried to God, to friends, in pages of scrawling. How could she be so indifferent for so long? She has been so absent.
And then, when I stopped for air in my ranting, that small voice whispered, “Remember!”
And I let go. I release the need to trust her. While I would like to refill the bankrupt account, she has nothing to deposit. I turn to my Lord. HE can fill the account! He set the world in space, made day and night. Each day He paints glorious watercolors across my view. Even the nights are filled with soothing and subtle scenes of stars and moonglow. He is big enough to fill this relationship account to an overflowing balance.
And so I rest in Him. At His feet, I lay my need to trust her, along with my need to make sure she knows how deeply she has cut into my heart. I claim the promise “I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” (Jer. 31:3)
While the circumstances have not changed, my heart has. Though I’m not to the place of trust and I am somewhat wary, I have consciously torn down my defenses. I picture our relational account as a well not only filled with sweet, thirst-quenching water but over-flowing.
God is the one in charge and since He can meet my needs, this relationship doesn’t have to do that anymore. He is teaching me to depend on Him for the solace of green pastures, the calming sound of cool water, the peacefulness of a submissive soul. Even on this difficult and unmarked journey, He will be right there, protecting me and giving strength to see the needs around me. And with His power flowing through me, I can be loving and gentle and unguarded despite my wariness, for He is the One to whom I will run for healing. Because I know that I am His, and my eternal home will be with Him, I can rejoice and celebrate even in the dark shadows. (Loosely paraphrased Psalm 23)